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THE CHOSEN ONE MUST BE RETRIEVED FROM EARTH
HE WILL BRING DOWN THE WALL AND RESTORE THE KINGDOM TO GLORY
HIS NAME IS TOM PARKING
With this mysterious yet oddly ordinary-looking prophecy, Tom's fate is sealed: he's been plucked from his life and whisked away to a magical kingdom to be its Chosen One.
There's just one problem: The kingdom is mostly made of garbage from Earth. Okay, well, two problems: the king hates Tom. Also, the princess likes to wear fake mustaches. And being Chosen One seems to consist mainly of cleaning out rats' noses at the Royal Rat-Snottery.
So, basically, the kingdom sucks.
When Tom turns down the job of Chosen One, he thinks he's making a smart decision. But when Tom discovers he's been replaced by his best friend Kyle, who's always been cooler, more athletic, and better with girls, Tom wants Crap Kingdom back—at any cost. And the hilarity that ensues will determine the fate of the universe.
that say about me?” “What do you mean, a place like this?” “I just mean—I just mean—” Tom said, stumbling. “You mean it sucks?” “You guys say that here too?” “Of course we do, we live here! Of course it sucks! No one here would ever argue with you about that. Wanna make friends here? Just go into any place out there, any house or whatever, and say, this kingdom sucks, your house sucks, you suck. And that person’d be like, ‘Yeah, it does, doesn’t it? You suck, too! Wanna stay for dinner?’”
actors work their whole lives to achieve.” He could not remember what this thing was. It didn’t matter, though. What was important was that he had done something that had resulted in Lindsy Kopec touching his arm. Grabbing it, even. People were coursing all around them in the lobby. Tom’s mom wasn’t there because she planned on coming to the Saturday night show, and he hoped Lindsy’s parents weren’t there, either. He wanted this moment to last as long as possible. With Lindsy gripping his arm,
imprint of Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 2013 Copyright © DC Pierson, 2013 All rights reserved LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA Pierson, D. C. Crap kingdom / by DC Pierson. p. cm. Summary: Tenth-grader Tom Parking’s dream of being swept away to a fantasy land where he becomes a hero nearly comes true when he finds himself the Chosen One of a nameless world, the most annoying, least “cool” place in the universe. ISBN 978-1-101-58972-4 [1. Fantasy. 2. Heroes—Fiction.] I.
commercial. He looked around for hiding places. It was tough to distinguish between what was someone’s home and what was just junk. He’d zero in on a big pile of trash bags or a huge concrete tube and be absolutely sure there was no one inside of it and then someone would emerge just as he approached. It was also tough to find a hiding spot because everything seemed to be in a state of flux. Children were helping their parents move the building blocks of their makeshift homes around. Years of
looking for a hiding spot, and I didn’t mean to be not wearing clothes. . . . Anyway, if you see Kyle, and there’s any way to tell him this without the king finding out, just tell him I’m hiding underneath . . . underneath . . .” Tom looked around. “I don’t know, maybe that old canoe?” “I wouldn’t worry about it. Just pick the best hiding spot you can, and I’m sure Kyle will find you with a person-finding spell.” “Oh,” Tom said. “All right.” “Did Pira come this way?” Tom pointed directly