How to Survive a Horror Movie
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.
From ghosts, vampires, and zombies to serial killers, cannibalistic hillbillies, and haunted Japanese videocassettes, How to Survive a Horror Movie shows how to defeat every obstacle found in scary films. Readers will discover:
• How to Perform an Exorcism
• What to Do If You Did Something Last Summer
• How to Persuade the Skeptical Local Sheriff
• How to Vanquish a Murderous Doll
• How to Survive an Alien Invasion
• How to Tell If You’ve Been Dead Since the Beginning of the Movie
and much, much more. Complete with useful instructions, insane illustrations, and a list of 100 important films to study, How to Survive a Horror Movie is essential reading for prom queens, jocks, teenage babysitters, and anyone employed by a summer camp.
see the problem with hanging around a bunch of cabins in the middle of the woods—a bunch of cabins run by teenagers who spend their time smoking dope and humping.” Are you crazy? No institution has a higher per-capita murder rate. For example, a high school of 1,000 students can expect an average per-film loss of seven to eight students, or less than 1 percent. A sleepaway camp of 40 campers and counselors, however, can expect the same per-film losses. That’s a murder rate of 20 percent! Any
in the bag at you. The Endless Hallway. A classic. As you run toward that door to salvation, the hallway becomes longer … longer … impossibly long. Countermeasure: A burst of willpower is usually all it takes. But closing your eyes is an easier way of neutralizing the effect. Just stick your arms out, and feel your way down the hall. The Zero-Gravity Room. You’re dragged up the walls by some unseen force. Countermeasure: Easy. Sing Lionel Richie’s “Dancing on the Ceiling” and act like you’re
SECURITY GUARD. If something goes bump in the night, you’re the guy who has to check it out. D) CAMP DIRECTOR. You’re an authority figure who bosses teenagers around in the middle of the woods. It’s a shock you lived long enough to read this senten— … E) HOOKER. Prostitution is so fatal in movies that hookers rarely even get the courtesy of an on-screen death. The first time we see them is when our grizzled hero cop is scraping them out of several Dumpsters. F) JANITOR. Strange. You could’ve
leaves the audience asking, “Wait, is this really a horror movie?” MOVE YOUR MOUTH OUT OF SYNC WITH YOUR DIALOGUE. Demand to know where magic sword is. Use the words revenge or master in every sentence. Genre: martial arts. FART. This should be easy, considering you’re already moments away from making it in your pants. Genre: teen comedy. SLIP YOUR ATTACKER THE TONGUE. Potentially gross depending on the type of killer you’re dealing with, but quite effective. Genre: romance. LIGHT A CIGARETTE AND
or combination thereof. The one who has every opportunity to step in and do something, but refuses to believe some punk’s cockamamie story. And why should he? Sure, there have been brutal murders here for the last 12 consecutive summers, but he buried that psychopath in Old Man Hurley’s tobacco field. Buried him with his own two hands. What—just because some dope-smoking kids saw something, he should drop everything and investigate? “Those are just ghost stories our parents told us.” Yes, and