Napalm & Silly Putty
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
The #1 New York Times bestseller with more than 450,000 copies in print offers up a hilarious and "entertaining" [Chicago Sun-Times] collection of razor-sharp observations--now available in paperback!
Spending more than 15 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list in hardcover, George Carlin, the thinking person's comic, has made it very clear how successful he is at the transition from stage to page. In Napalm & Silly Putty, Carlin's characteristically ironic and hilarious take on life shines through. He asks:
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on TV that it's a spy satellite?
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people cook that stuff?
In the expression "topsy-turvy," what exactly is meant by "turvy"?
of in this country is all this stupid bullshit I have to listen to about children. That’s all you hear anymore, children: “Help the children, save the children, protect the children.” You know what I say? Fuck the children! Fuck ’em! Fuck kids; they’re getting entirely too much attention. And I know what some of you are thinking: “Jesus, he’s not going to attack children, is he?” Yes he is! He’s going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what I’m talking
Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate. Whenever I see a large crowd of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. Laptop. How can this be? A lap has no top; it has only two dimensions, length and width. It’s not like a desk. A desk has a bottom, a top, and sides; you place your “desktop ”on the top of your desk. A lap has only one plane; when you stand up your lap disappears. And your computer becomes a
philosophy, but it’s always worked well in our family. Isn’t it time we stopped wasting valuable land on cemeteries? Talk about an idea whose time has passed: “Let’s put all the dead people in boxes and keep them in one part of town.” What kind of medieval bullshit is that? I say, plow these motherfuckers up and throw them away. Or melt them down. We need that phosphorous for farming. If we’re going to recycle, let’s get serious. True Stuff: Because of all the lawsuits against “good
minutes, to give you your money’s worth. Lets you rest in pieces. EUPHEMISTIC BULLSHIT I don’t like euphemistic language, words that shade the truth. American English is packed with euphemism, because Americans have trouble dealing with reality, and in order to shield themselves from it they use soft language. And somehow it gets worse with every generation. Here’s an example. There’s a condition in combat that occurs when a soldier is completely stressed out and is on the verge of
between the hands and the numerals on an analog clock. There’s a psychological component: to me, the first half of any hour, as the minute hand falls from 12 to 6, passes a lot more quickly than the second half, when it has to struggle upward, fighting gravity all the way. I’ll say this much: If I had only half an hour to live, I’d want it to be the second half. I just know it would last a little longer. GOD HAS GOTTA GO I make fun of people who are religious, because I think