The Unauthorised History of South Africa
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Researched and written by two historians well respected in concentric circles, this hilarious take on our collective past reveals stunning new discoveries and fascinating new figures, from Koos van Doosch, the cheese pimp who settled the Cape a year before Van Riebeeck, to Shaka’s lesser-known brother, Nigel Zulu, who just wanted to be a florist.
You’ll discover how the winner of the Mr Mielie Board beauty pageant came to rule South Africa, and you’ll celebrate our greatest triumphs, like when Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman won the Rugby World Cup in 1995.
From small fat gold-plated rhinos in Mapungubwe, to small fat gold-plated politicians in Mangaung, The Unauthorised History of South Africa tells you the history you always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask.
per cent humidity until you get bitten by a mamba!’ – could change their minds. India, it seemed, was not interested. In 1860, however, that changed. Sanjay Kholi, of 322 Kama Sutra Avenue, Bombay, had finally managed to find a husband for his cross-eyed, bearded daughter, Dharma. The groom-to-be was a blind, deaf mute called Vikram, who lived in Calcutta on the east coast of India. Sanjay had chartered a ship to take his family and all the wedding guests to Calcutta. They set off on their happy
coincidences and some incredibly ropey scriptwriting, they managed to cling on. •If a servant revealed himself as a pro-democracy activist calling for a revolution to end oppression, he was promptly married by a rich white woman and turned into an oppressor himself. In 1917, this was called ‘selling out’. By 2013, it was called ‘black economic empowerment’. •White women who married revolutionary servants inevitably died during childbirth, a punishment for having attempted to nationalise the
Foreigners Become Locals TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO, the residents of central Africa had to come to terms with a grim fact: they were miserable. For centuries they had been trying to convince themselves that life along the Congo was great, but at last they had to face facts. Jungle life was, in the words of their most famous poet, ‘as crappy as the crappiest crap of the Giant Congo Crap-Vulture’. It wasn’t just the little niggles of everyday life, like being eaten by crocodiles when they went to
Verwoerd set about implementing not only Grand Apartheid but also Quite Grand Apartheid, Moderately Impressive Apartheid, Average Apartheid, Pretty Crappy Apartheid and Totally Shit Apartheid. At the top of his agenda was the creation of Bantustans or homelands. These homelands, he said, would represent the historic homeland of each of South Africa’s indigenous nations: the amaXhosa would live in the Transkei and Ciskei, the amaZulu in KwaZulu, and so on. Black South Africans were initially
members burst into spontaneous applause. Everyone in the Ubuntu Bar understood that a momentous choice lay ahead: either the party could spend all the country’s money on fixing society and investing in the future, or it could spend all the money on weapons to be used against enemies who didn’t exist, and paid for by taxpayers who weren’t consulted. In the end, the choice was obvious. As Deputy Minister of Economic Stuff and Shit, Handmedown Hlope, explained, ‘Governing is hard. Buying stuff with