Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews
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HOW WHITE YOU ARE!
If you thought you had white people pegged as Oscar-party-throwing, Prius-driving, Sunday New York Times–reading, self-satisfied latte lovers—you were right. But if you thought diversity was just for other races, then hang on to your eco-friendly tote bags. Veteran white person Christian Lander is back with fascinating new information and advice on dealing with the Caucasian population.
Sure, their indie-band T-shirts, trendy politics, vegan diets, and pop-culture references make them all seem the same. But a closer look reveals that from Austin to Australia, from L.A. to the U.K., indigenous white people are as different from one another as 1 percent rBGH-free milk is different from 2 percent. Where do skinny jeans and bulky sweaters rule? Where is down-market beer the nectar of the hip? If you want to know the places cute girls with bangs and cool guys with beards roam and emo musicians and unpaid interns call home, you’d better switch off the Adult Swim reruns, put down that copy of The Onion, pick up this book, and prepare to see the white.
two, maybe three people will hear it. What white people have been searching for is some sort of group environment where they can answer a series of questions to prove exactly how smart they are. Thankfully, they have trivia. Traditionally this trivia has been delivered in the form of board games. But again, those games can be played with at most eight people. And as white people have learned from graduate-level seminars, proving your intelligence to eight people is a bit like working at a
daily newspaper, they will say that they get the Sunday New York Times. Which is a bit like saying you sponsor a child in Africa but only give enough money for him to eat on Sunday. • Overview The New York City resident is one of the most envied white people in the entire world. Their access to art galleries, restaurants, public transit, and pools of hobo urine is second to none. Fiercely proud of their city, all New Yorkers consider themselves to be the last one in. That is to say, everyone who
funeral. So while these white people might talk a big game, they aren't actually going to do anything about it. If you plan on befriending white people, it is essential that you join them in the digital suburbs and open a Facebook account immediately. It's also a good idea to make up a story about how someone from high school sent you a friend request and that after accepting you discovered that they were fat and unsuccessful. White people love these stories. Where the Wild Things Are It is a
for British programming that has no chance of ever crossing over to America is seen as a very desirable thing indeed. For proof just ask any white person about The Mighty Boosh or Garth Marenghi's Darkplace. By far and away the biggest reason white people start talking with British slang is the films of Guy Ritchie or Trainspotting. It is scientifically impossible for a white person to watch the first half of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and not start using words like shite and wanker.
elBulli. Nannies Raising a white child is extremely time-consuming. They have so many activities, cultural immersion programs, sports, language classes, and supplemental educational classes, and that doesn't include the time it takes to actually raise the child. For a white person to accomplish all of this they would need superhuman abilities or just have to make some personal sacrifices, both equally impossible to white people. So to help manage this incredible task, white people hire nannies