Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini

Mark Leyner, Billy Goldberg

Language: English

Pages: 224

ISBN: 1400082315

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


Is There a Doctor in the House?

Say you’re at a party. You’ve had a martini or three, and you mingle through the crowd, wondering how long you need to stay before going out for pizza. Suddenly you’re introduced to someone new, Dr. Nice Tomeetya. You forget the pizza. Now is the perfect time to bring up all those strange questions you’d like to ask during an office visit with your own doctor but haven’t had the guts (or more likely the time) to do so. You’re filled with liquid courage . . . now is your chance! If you’ve ever wanted to ask a doctor . . .

•How do people in wheelchairs have sex?

•Why do I get a killer headache when I suck down my milkshake too fast?

•Can I lose my contact lens inside my head forever?

•Why does asparagus make my pee smell?

•Why do old people grow hair on their ears?

•Is the old adage “beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer . . .” really true?

. . . then Why Do Men Have Nipples? is the book for you.

Compiled by Billy Goldberg, an emergency medicine physician, and Mark Leyner, bestselling author and well-known satirist, Why Do Men Have Nipples? offers real factual and really funny answers to some of the big questions about the oddities of our bodies.

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scan the room to make sure that my path is clear to the bathroom. I see an opening and rush off hoping to avoid any more questions. The door is slightly ajar and I push it open tentatively to find our hostess, Eloise, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Leyner is clutching the massaging showerhead and is directing a cold stream of water on her burned and blistered cheeks. As it turns out, Eloise, ever the impeccable hostess, had joined Leyner and Cinderella in their laboratory to see if they

Dr. Dre, Dr. Seuss, Dr. Cliff Huxtable, Dr. J, Dr. Scholl’s, Dr. Phil, Dr Pepper, Dr. Strangelove, Doc Baker, Dr. Who, Dr. Doolittle, Dr. Johnny Fever, Doc Gooden, Dr. Moreau, Dr. Jekyll, Dr. John Rooney, Dr. Kildare, Dr. Hibbert, Dr. No, Dr. Zhivago, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Evil, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. Ben Casey, Doc Holliday, Dr. Doogie Howser, and the fight Dr., Ferdie Pacheco. DISCLAIMER What you are about to read is mostly true, as far as we know. But this book in no way should substitute for a

cases earwax will come out on its own, and if not, you should see your doctor. Avoid these silly products and save the cones for your ice cream. IS IT SMART TO PUT BUTTER ON A BURN? No. Save the butter for breakfast. Butter is the wrong thing to put on a burn. It will trap the heat in the skin and prolong the pain. Use cool water instead. I do have to say that there are some kitchen supplies that may be useful for the pain of a burn, straight from the medical literature in India: boiled

breakfast. 9:15A.M. Leyner:I had a Slim Jim and a fermented mare’s milk. Gberg:It’s hard to find good fermented mare’s milk these days. Leyner:People should drink the milk of as varied a miscellany of mammals as possible. Gberg:Did you ever sample human breast milk back in the day? Leyner:All those diverse antibodies are good for getting an immune system ready for the coming apocalyptic flu pandemic. Gberg:I live in fear of the avian flu. Leyner:No . . . never sample that mamma milk . .

passengers. Unless you are eating the brain. A rare disease called Kuru can occur from eating human brains, which killed about 10 percent of the Fore, a New Guinea tribe of cannibals. The Fore would honor their dead by eating them. The brain was reserved for the female relatives and children. Whole villages were wiped out by this rare neurodegenerative disease. Kuru manifests with muscle weakness and trouble walking. The Fore would then have trouble talking and could no longer stand, sit, or

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