Would You Like A Slap With That?: 30 Painfully-True Vignettes In The Life Of A Waiter
The Unsung Waiter
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
From catering illustrious celebrity-fueled events to bouncing from table to table at a high-volume restaurant, "Slap" is an unflinching, humorous look into waiting tables. Savor 30 short & sweet vignettes of hospitality colliding with absurdity (which averages out to 40+ full pages).
Do you need to be a waiter / waitress to appreciate this? Not if you can laugh at yourself! For the love of preserving basic manners, anyone that isn't offended by mild language should read this book.
➽ If you're looking for breezy-filler, a heady / ego-stroking psych-analysis of the service industry, "Victorian" etiquette lessons, or you just want to take a stroll down memory lane through fluffy memoir–this book is NOT FOR YOU. Save your buck and use it to tip a hard-working bartender! (Please!) "Slap" is simply a book that goes straight for the cheek and delivers rude people their just desserts. Are you ready? Dig in
KAZILLION PIECES. I stand there–cold and soaked–as the crowd looks on me like it was my fault. ("The sad thing is, in your mind, you were actually trying to be helpful. It's too bad you played hooky in the Hamptons during the "For Every Action, There Is An Equal And Opposite Reaction" chapter of "Basic Neanderthal Skills: 101.") Rent-A-Pet "Hey! Hey waiter!!" I'm busy doing fourteen things; I'll come back to him. "HEY! YOU!" He raises his hand like Kim Jong Il conducting a napalm
strike. *SNAP!* *SNAP!* I turn around in slow motion. Did you just SNAP YOUR FINGERS AT ME? I mean, REALLY???!!?? ("How about we make a fair trade: if you snap your fingers at me–I get to snap 'em too—IN HALF. One-by-one. Then I pry your wallet off your bloody, entitled body. Sound groovy?") Meanwhile, Back In Africa ... First course is served. Delicacies abound. The table is cleared; about half of the stuff is left. The entree is served. After rounds of wine, we clean up the
in the other–I feel a shocking jolt on my elbow, SCARING THE BOJANGLES OUT OF ME– I JUMP– I try to retain my equilibrium between the pitchers– Fail ... A guest squeals, patting scalding hot coffee on herself! I slowly pivot from the wreckage to face my abuser. Surprise surprise–it's SOME SHMUCK! "Hey uh, about my steak ..." ("Congratulations. You've triggered a chain-reaction of events that will ultimately swell a tsunami in Japan claiming thousands of innocent lives, all because you
I'm standing so close to you.") A Standard Pour Vs. The Standard & Poor "We're gonna use my own wine today because this is a special occasion!" Okay, so far so good; if we use the client's wine, then that's less for me to move around at the end of the night. Cool, groovy! "Excuse me, waiter?" "Yes ..." "I'd like you to pour some wine for my friends here." "Absolutely." I remove the foil cap and unscrew the cork. "Now, keep in mind this wine is VERY expensive ..." "I would expect
them forever. Once you block out the brain-dead, dick-moves we see on a daily basis, still your mind and focus on one thing: Never give up on your dreams. If you give up, then THEY win. Isn't that the LAST thing we want? Dedicated To: All the Unsung Waiters of the world, with love. A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR If you enjoyed reading Slap, would you mind taking a couple minutes out of your day to write a review on Amazon? Slap's Amazon Page Thank you ever so much!