You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool

Celia Rivenbark

Language: English

Pages: 256

ISBN: 0312614209

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


From the bestselling, award-winning author of You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start In The Morning, comes another collection of hilarious observations that will resonate with women, mothers, and girlfriends everywhere

In her newest wickedly irreverent humor collection, Celia Rivenbark cracks up while getting her downward facing dog on, pines for a world in which every mom gets to behave like Betty Draper and wonders why everybody's so excited about the Science Fair when there aren't even any rides. In it you'll find essays on such topics as:
- Menopause Spurs Thoughts of Death and Turkey
- I Dreamed a Dream That My Lashes Were Long
- Twitter Woes: I've Got Plenty of Characters, Just No Character
- Movie To-Do List: Cook Like Julia, Adopt Really Big Kid
- Charlie Bit Your Finger? Good!
- And other thoughts on the virus that is YouTube
- And much more!

And much more! For any woman who longs for the good old days when Jane Fonda in legwarmers was the only one who saw you exercise, YOU DON'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT GIRL is comfort food in book form.

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Snuggie has changed my life, forcing me to feel adrift and helpless for forty minutes every week as I wait for it to finally emerge from the dryer. Lucky dryer. So look elsewhere if you want to deride the Snuggie or mock its cheesy advertising campaign. The Snuggie is a gift from God. OK, actually Walgreens, but still. Snuggie has sustained me through this coldest of winters. I even bought one for Duh and the Princess so the three of us could sit around the fireplace decked out in our fleecy

time, the dumb-ass idea paid off. Puppy Tweets was a big hit when it was unveiled by Mattel recently. Who can resist a computerized toy that allows your dog to post updates to its very own Twitter page? And, yes, I’m serious. How does it work? Magic. No, seriously. Puppy Tweet contains a USB receiver that dog owners then connect to their computer. This allows them to download the necessary Puppy Tweets software and create a Twitter account for their dog. When the dog moves or barks, a signal

thinks Pat and Gina Neely, the nauseatingly in love stars of Food Network’s Down Home with the Neelys, need to get a room. With a velvet swing, mirrors, and plenty of oils that aren’t Crisco. Pat and Gina Neely host a cooking show but they baby talk, kiss, and cuddle so much that it’s a wonder anything gets cooked. And, yes, I could turn it off but then I’d miss the only soft porn I get all week—plus I’m incapable of turning off a show that promises a recipe for macaroni and cheese topped with

Not only that, it’s going to take a long time to round up a sufficient number of religious icons to place on the dashboard. Y’all know I’m right. 27 She Drives Me Crazy (Shaving Time Off the Commute) My friend Randy is ’bout to lose his religion over his new car. A good Southern boy, Randy was tickled with his car at first because it (a) has plenty of leg room (b) dual sunroofs and (c) isn’t a Toyota. Randy’s car is awesome in many regards but it was the state-of-the-art navigation

could’ve had a hematoma!” I said. “You don’t understand dogs,” Duh sniffled, pausing to look at a faded picture in his wallet of his childhood dog, Tyrone, who died twenty-seven years ago, I kid you not. “Don’t you get it? Dogs are perfect creatures because they love you unconditionally,” he said. “They have no expectations and they make no demands.” “Well that’s just messed up,” I said. What good is love if you can’t extract something fabulous in exchange for it? Well? I’m waiting here. A

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